Behind the TV show: 7th Heaven
by TheUnholyTerror
Summary: Find out how the show 7th Heaven really came to being, and read its final episode. This assumes that you've seen Hannibal and Carrie for parts. It's a parody also.


WARNING: CONTAINS LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, SOME SEXUAL THEMES, INCLUDING A LITTLE HOMOSEXUAL ACTION THAT IS IMPLIED, DEATH, DID I SAY VIOLENCE? I DO NOT OWN 7TH HEAVEN, THANK GOD, AND THIS ENTIRE STORY IS FICTIONAL! BUT THIS STORY IS MINE, THEUNHOLYTERROR'S, SO IF YOU WANT TO STEAL IT, GET BENT.  
  
Behind the TV Show:   
  
The Concept   
  
Once upon a time, a really rich guy named Aaron Spelling and some ditz, Brenda Hampton or something, thought up an idea together over tea and crumpets.  
  
"Why don't we make a show where the family is so close, it borders on incest!" Brenda brainstormed.  
  
"That's a fantastic idea! Let's have my idiotic and spoiled daughter, Tori, star in it!" Aaron said in his stupid fashion.  
  
"No way, she can't act worth beans! I say we get the most annoying people in the world to act in the show!" Brenda smiled. Aaron signed the contract and the new show, entitled, '7th heaven' was born.   
  
The Casting  
  
  
  
For the original cast, Robert DeNiro was cast as the alcoholic, pseudo- insane, sickly, and devoutly Christian father. Aaron didn't like that, and had DeNiro immediately taken off the cast. He demanded that Tori get cast as the father. Brenda again turned him down and they hired some shmoe Stephen Collins to be the father.  
  
For the role of the neurotic and horny mother, Brenda suggested Sandra Bullock. Sandra, of course, turned down the role, because she suddenly realized that she was a good actress and could do better. So they had a lottery and a random actress got the role. To this day, even I don't know which slutbag got the part. Aaron is still hoping that Tori will get the role.  
  
For the roles of the annoying little bastard children, Brenda and Aaron were stumped. Aaron wanted Tori, but Brenda slapped him quickly. For the two twin boys, Sam and David, the Olson twins were cast. Of course, the little brats were too busy with their crappy Fox Family TV movies at the moment in which there's always the classic twin sister identity switch. So, they decided to use the marvels of toy props! For the girls, Mary, Lucy, and Ruthie Camden, Brenda cast Jessica Biel, Beverly Mitchell, and some little brat as the daughter. The youngest daughter actress, was fortunately killed in a freak orgy, and was replaced constantly, as the actresses playing the same character role constantly met their fates in freak orgies.  
  
The sons, Matt (the oldest) and Simon (the youngest) are played my low-rate losers. Their names are: David Gallagher as the gigolo son, and Barry Watson as the bum 'hot' loser older son.  
  
  
  
The Show's Run and End  
  
  
  
Now, the show needed something to give it an edge. So, Aaron, who was striking out constantly, with trying to get his stupid daughter, Tori, cast in the TV show, needed something to give him an edge over Brenda. Aaron came up with the idea to make the father a zealous Christian! Brenda leapt at the thought and immediately agreed.  
  
The show was an instant hit. Young popular teenage girls loved the hunky guys and constant problems brought up on the show young popular teenage girls deal with, such as: Homeless people, prostitution, suicide, prostitution, and more homeless people.  
  
However, through the show's success, soon disaster followed. The show tried to encompass those of multicultural ethnicity and religion. It was catastrophic. They brought a young Muslim girl onto the show directly after the 9/11 attacks, and constantly had references to the Islam religion. It was insulting to those that looked past the emotional fluff. Later, they added a Jewish Rabbi, who spoke nothing but, "Shalom my little Szchlotzkies, and Masseltof, it's a girl! Oh, Oy Vey! My Matzo!" Both references to clichés in religions started a series of events that would lead to the end of 7th Heaven.  
  
It started when they turned the minister father, Eric, into a Nazi. "You're not a Jew!" he screamed at his older and stupidest son, Matt, for considering conversion to Judaism. The results were catastrophic. Soon, the entire show began to resemble a soap opera as the character 'Lucy' was having affairs with both men and women. Annie began to take hormone therapy, after hitting menopause, and began to abuse her children. Soon the father lost his job and began to go psychotic, also abusing the children and turning Puritan on their Catholic Asses.  
  
Aaron and Brenda panicked. They needed to do something to get back viewers. So, Aaron and Brenda decided to make a ratings and television event, by killing off every member of the show. The following short story was Brenda's base for the screenplay.   
  
The Last Episode  
  
  
  
"Hello, mother." Simon Camden said. He walked into the kitchen as his mother was preparing the family dinner. He smiled, flipping his blonde hair and flashing his earring. He has a condom stuck to the side of his face, but of course, he was unaware. He wiped some milky liquid off the side of his lip into his mouth muttering, "Oops, forgot that spot!"  
  
"Oh shut up, you stupid little gigolo!" Annie Camden, his mother, screamed in her usual annoying fashion. But, this time, her voice was strung with anger and frustration! She brought the butcher knife down sharply on the carrot she was slicing, leaving a large crevice in the cutting board.  
  
"Geez, sorry mother, I didn't mean to bitch you up!" Simon muttered under his breath. He peeled the condom off in surprise and quickly tossed it to the dog, which ate it. He was usually like that, being an insolent little brat that he was. His mother slammed the knife down in anger.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT, SIMON JESUS CAMDEN?!" the mother snapped fiercely. The pot on the stove began to rattle as Annie emitted a sort of Carrie radiance. Simon whimpered in fear and ran upstairs as the butcher knife flew through the air behind him. Annie had suddenly developed Carrie-like powers!  
  
"Oh my god! Mother! Please, no!" Simon screamed as the butcher knife flew into his back and he toppled back down the stairs and onto the kitchen floor.  
  
"Stupid child." Annie growled and she dragged Simon's body onto the counter. She pulled the knife from his back and didn't bother to wipe it clean. She only raised it and began to hack and chop, and finally diced Simon's body into small inch wide and long cubes. She poured the pieces into a large cauldron underneath the counter and began to stir.  
  
Ruthie, the youngest daughter and a know-it-all just like Hermione. Of course, people actually like Hermione, but they can't stand that annoying little shit Ruthie.  
  
"Hey mom!" Ruthie said happily. "I'm so gosh darn perfect! I just taught my horse, Sugar Plum fourteen words, five of them are God, Jesus, Bible, Infidel, and Witch! I also baptized him!"  
  
Annie's hand came down hard and fast. Ruthie's entire body was thrown to the side from the force of Annie's bitch slap. Ruthie collapsed against the wall and the butcher knife levitated into the air. Ruthie squealed as she ran up the stairs to the second floor. The butcher knife followed, but Ruthie, cleverer than Simon, grabbed the family dog, Happy, and used him as a doggie shield. The knife squirmed into the white version of Toto, and Ruthie tossed the dog aside. Ruthie ran into her room and locked the door quickly.  
  
"Stupid little bitch girl." Annie snapped and floated the dog body down with her suddenly developed Carrie telekinetic powers. She diced the dog and added it to the Simon stew she had already been boiling. Suddenly, just as she had added the last paw, Matt, Lucy, and Mary all walked into the kitchen.  
  
Matt was tall and lanky, considered 'attractive' by some stupid teenage girls was 'going to New York University', which really means 'is getting kicked off the show'. Lucy is a neurotic basket case with more relationships than the cast of 'Friends' put together. Mary dates older men, gets in bar fights and constantly manages to prostitute her self to everyone she knows, including her father.  
  
They all gasped as they saw her add an eyeball and Happy's tail to the stew. Annie looked up and gasped at them and they stared wide eyed back at her. Lucy and Mary made a dash for the upstairs as Matt ran back out to the car. Annie's eyes widened like lightning and the door slammed shut just as Matt ran through the frame. Matt, like a stupid big bull charged through the door and fell to the ground amongst the splinters and shards of glass outside. Matt clambered to his feet and ran into the garage.  
  
Close behind, Annie walked through the shattered doorframe carrying a tazer and a can of mace. Matt covered his mouth in fear and grabbed a shovel. He crouched behind a bush outside the door as Annie walked past. Matt jumped up and brought the shovel down. Annie whirled around and snapped the shovel in half. She tossed the pieces aside and zapped Matt with the tazer. Matt contorted and fell to the ground twitching. Annie smirked and dragged the body into the garage.  
  
"Remember children, Jesus will love you, if you love Jesus!" Reverend Eric Camden said in his somewhat womanish mini-van as he drove home, unaware at the sudden psycho that was brewing a stew just for him in his kitchen. Eric pulled the mini-van into the garage only to hear a strange crunching. The Reverend turned the car off and clambered from the car to look under the mini-van. Underneath it, Eric gasped in shock to discover he had just run over his eldest and fairly stupid son.  
  
"Matt? How many times have I told you not to sleep under the car like a hobo?!"  
  
"Eric! My darling husband!" Annie screamed and ran from the shadowy corner of the garage.  
  
"Annie! Did you see this? What happened?!" Eric exclaimed.  
  
"Eric, we have to kill them. God came to me in a dream and said, 'Kill them, Annie. Kill them all.' I must kill the children."  
  
"Annie! What are you saying? We produced those children through hours of sexual intercourse every night! We have sex like bunnies! I can't- no- I mustn't help you with this devil's work!"  
  
"So, you will not help me, Eric?"  
  
"Of course not! You need mental help, Annie!"  
  
Annie gasped and held her hand to her mouth. A tear streamed down from her eye. "I'm sorry, Eric, I have to end it." And she shocked him with the tazer.  
  
Upstairs, Ruthie crouched in the darkened room of her two younger brothers, Sam and David, whispering. They were in their crib, and Ruthie was pacing frantically. A small bump, and Ruthie whimpered and looked off to where the sound came from. It was nothing. Ruthie turned to the twins.  
  
"Sam, David, I'm so scared. Mother's crazy- right?" Ruthie cried as she kneeled by their crib.  
  
"Ruthie!" Sam cried as he pointed past Ruthie's head.  
  
"Shut it, Sam!" Ruthie slapped Sam ruthlessly. "I don't want to hear you complain!"  
  
"Ruthie! Mommy!" David cried and pointed to the same spot.  
  
"Shut it, David!" Ruthie cried and slapped David ruthlessly. From behind her, Annie approached slowly with the butcher knife.  
  
"Hello, Ruthie." Annie said. Ruthie screamed and turned around abruptly. Annie raised the knife. Ruthie grabbed Sam and tossed him in the way. Annie stabbed Sam and moved to Ruthie.  
  
"Mother, please stop!" Ruthie cried. She kicked the crib over and David rolled to her feet. Ruthie grabbed up David and Annie flew over to her via Carrie powers and began to stab. The knife penetrated David seventeen times, before Ruthie tossed the body aside and wrestled the knife from her mother.  
  
Annie flopped to the ground and the knife slid away. Ruthie scrambled to her feet and grabbed the knife as Annie groaned on the ground, starting to get up.  
  
Ruthie hid the knife away as her mother stood up slowly. Annie whirled around, rasied her hand and Ruthie was blown back against the wall. Ruthie was pinned, her entire body was petrified against the wall. The ceiling began to crack and Annie's eyes widened.  
  
A section of the ceiling fell to the floor and Ruthie knew what was coming.  
  
"Annie, no!" Ruthie cried as she flailed her arms. A rafter fell from the hole in the ceiling and swung into Ruthie. It snapped her in half and the top part collapsed on top of it ala 'Carrie'.  
  
"Where are you going, Mary?" Lucy asked, the two hiding in their room in the attic.  
  
"I'm going to get help!" Mary said as she took off her bra.  
  
"It looks like you're just going to go out and prostitute yourself!"  
  
"Uh. no."  
  
"Well, go! The phone lines are dead!"  
  
"Okay." Mary clambered to the window and opened it.  
  
Lucy turned around and heard a loud bang. Lucy turned to the window and Mary was gone. Lucy ran to the opening and saw Mary's dead body rolling down the roof. It fell into the rose bushes and Lucy looked up in horror. From across the way she saw a glimmer of light, and Barney reloading a sniper rifle.  
  
"If there's gonna be a show with family morales, it's gonna be MY show!" Barney said and took aim.  
  
A bullet soared past Lucy's head and Barney reloaded. Lucy squealed and ran down the stair way and into the kitchen.  
  
No one was in the kitchen, only her father tied to a chair at the head of the dinner table, which was set for three.  
  
"Father! Why is God doing this to us? Have our Puritan ways upset him?" Lucy cried and tried to free her father when she felt a force overcome her. Lucy was forced into a seat and Annie floated over to the table carrying a large stew.  
  
"The stew is almost complete. It just needs the essence of Eric Camden." Annie giggled and set the stew down in front of Lucy.  
  
"Mother, please, stop!" Lucy cried out.  
  
"Shh!" Annie said and pulled out the knife that had killed so many. She flicked on the light with her powers and Lucy could see her father moving back and forth in his chair, his pupils dilated, and a red line encircling his scalp.  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
"Hee hee hee!" Annie giggled and flipped back Eric's scalp. Annie lopped off a chunk of the brain and added it to the stew.  
  
"Mother, no!" Lucy screamed. Her scream was so shrill that it snapped Annie's power over her. Lucy stood up and knocked over the sibling stew.  
  
"NO!" Annie cried and tried to save the stew. Lucy grabbed the knife and stabbed it into Annie. Annie let out a cry of fury and the house began to shake. Annie grabbed Lucy and dragged her into the prayer closet.  
  
"PRAY!" Annie cried and forced poor Lucy in front of a crucifix. Lucy began to pray, and Annie moved back and forth slowly, following the beat of the hymns Lucy had begun to hum.  
  
Lucy looked over as Annie swayed crazily, and it seemed the house was swaying with her. Lucy made a jump from the prayer closet door when Annie focused all of her psycho-kinetic energy upon Lucy. The house began to collapse and underneath a beam, Lucy was crushed. Annie twirled around happily, as the house collapsed on her, killing her as well.  
  
The End. 


End file.
